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literate most of the time

Don’t fret y’all, today’s recipe IS, in fact, preceded by a sixteen-paragraph essay.

Photo by Daria Shevtsova from Pexels, cropped by the author

This meal changed my life, no exaggeration. Let me tell you about every single instance I’ve eaten it and how I’ve adapted the recipe for all you lovely people! Where do I even begin?

I was studying abroad in Italy because I wanted to get an ethnic experience, but not, like, too ethnic, you know? And Italian people are white, but not white white.

In Italy, I met this guy from China named Li, but I called him Lili because cuuuute, am I right? When I left for Italy I was in a bit of a depressive slump, but Lili…

Fern was much too loved as a child, and it shows.



Reads a lot of self-help books, and after finishing each book actually makes substantial changes in their life in order to better themselves.

So centered and at peace that they’re able to thrive in any environment.

Good at establishing personal boundaries and communicating their emotional needs with others.

We’re not in Wonderland anymore

Down, down, down she fell. She worried she might never stop falling.

Until, without warning, her fall was over. She was not a bit hurt. Only frightened by what she saw as she rose to her feet.

ALICE: Oh my, everything is on fire.

She heard singing coming from all around her. She tried her best to follow the sound until she came across a curious looking creature perched in a curious looking tree.

ALICE: Why you’re a koala!

What ~~energy~ do you give off?

Photo by Arnesh Yadram from Pexels


Buy vegetables intending to eat them but end up ordering GrubHub instead, leaving the produce to rot in the graveyard that is your fridge.

Prefer shots over mixed drinks and force your preference on others when drunk.

Have one perfectly ironed shirt that you wear for every Zoom call. (With no pants.) (Ever.)

Your spirit animal is a…

Disney’s next live-action remake.

Cinderalla (Disney — Fair Use) Edited by the author.

Cinderella runs out to the garden, sobbing.

CINDERELLA: It’s just no use, there’s nothing left to believe in.

Sparkly dust gathers in front of Cinderella. Gordon materializes from the dust.

GORDON: Best believe you look like you just crawled out of a sewer’s arsehole.

Cinderella cries even harder.

CINDERELLA: Oh, my. I know I do. I look awful. I can’t go to the ball looking like this.

GORDON: You shouldn’t be anywhere looking like that.

CINDERELLA: Can’t you grant wishes or perform miracles or do something to help me?

GORDON: Trust me, it’s gonna take a fucking miracle to get…

Emery Schindler

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