Alice Falls Down the Rabbit Hole That Is 2020

We’re not in Wonderland anymore

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ALICE: Oh my, everything is on fire.

ALICE: Why you’re a koala!

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CHESHIRE KOALA: Cheshire Koala to be exact.

ALICE: Mr. Cheshire Koala, what happened here?

CHESHIRE KOALA: Well child, the world is on fire, you see.

ALICE: But why has no one fixed it? What about the animals? The environment?

CHESHIRE KOALA: Well there’s a global pandemic brewing, the Orange Faced Queen is in the process of getting impeached, there’s only so much the world can pay attention to at one time. Short attention spans, indeed.

ALICE: Well that’s not a very good answer.

CHESHIRE KOALA: Few answers are.

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JOE EXOTIC FLOWER: Watch out, that bitch Carole Baskin is gonna get ‘cha.

ALICE: Hey rabbit! Wait! You can’t be wearing a confederate flag, that’s a hate symbol!

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ALICE: Things are much worse than I thought. Much, much worse.

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TWEEDLEDUM: Things aren’t so bad. Trump gave us all $1200.

ALICE: But people are dying! Being killed! Losing their jobs! Their homes! Are human lives worth so little?

TWEEDLEDEE: Well…tax day is postponed at least.

TWEEDLEDUM: And the stock market is booming.

TWEEDLEDEE: See, not bad at all!

ALICE: The world really has gone mad.

THE MAD FAUCI: Tell me about it. Come and sit! Have some tea!

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THE MAD FAUCI: The Orange Faced Queen called me an idiot! Called me mad! Six feet apart. Masks. No large gatherings. I’m not asking that much. This is a global pandemic, for christ’s sake.

CARDS (in unison): It’s not a pandemic! It’s a conspiracy theory! To distract us from the social unrest occurring in our cities!! We won’t wear masks!!!!! You can’t make us!

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THE ORANGE FACED QUEEN: Proud Boys, you’re doing a great job. Somebody has to do something about Antifa and the left.

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PENCE: Don’t forget about the abortions! No abortions! None!

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THE AMYMOUSE: I’ll take care of that.

ALICE: But you’re a woman. Why on earth would you want to take away your own rights?

THE ORANGE FACED QUEEN: A woman? With an opinion? Off with her head!!

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THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE-PILLAR: Aaaaactuuuuaaaaallyyyyy, the mail-in ballots have finally been counted, and it’s off with yoooooooour head.

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THE OLD, WHITE MALE QUEEN: I’ll take it from here, you clown! As…my father used to say…“Joe…the greatest sin of all is not stepping up to the plate when it’s your turn to swing”.

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ALICE (sighing): Well, he’s not great but I suppose he will do.

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ALICE: Perhaps, if I just keep riding this Peloton, enough time will pass and everything will be okay.

All photos from Alice in Wonderland (Disney — Fair Use), edited by the author.

literate most of the time

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