Alice Falls Down the Rabbit Hole That Is 2020
Down, down, down she fell. She worried she might never stop falling.
Until, without warning, her fall was over. She was not a bit hurt. Only frightened by what she saw as she rose to her feet.
ALICE: Oh my, everything is on fire.
She heard singing coming from all around her. She tried her best to follow the sound until she came across a curious looking creature perched in a curious looking tree.
ALICE: Why you’re a koala!
CHESHIRE KOALA: Cheshire Koala to be exact.
ALICE: Mr. Cheshire Koala, what happened here?
CHESHIRE KOALA: Well child, the world is on fire, you see.
ALICE: But why has no one fixed it? What about the animals? The environment?
CHESHIRE KOALA: Well there’s a global pandemic brewing, the Orange Faced Queen is in the process of getting impeached, there’s only so much the world can pay attention to at one time. Short attention spans, indeed.
ALICE: Well that’s not a very good answer.
CHESHIRE KOALA: Few answers are.
The Chesire Koala faded into a smile, then into nothing at all. Leaving Alice alone to wander. She found her way down a path lined with flowers as tall as she was.
JOE EXOTIC FLOWER: Watch out, that bitch Carole Baskin is gonna get ‘cha.
The Carole Flower laughed, with hate in her eyes. Alice avoided eye contact as she passed the flowers, smart enough to know not to get caught in the middle of whatever was happening in this little garden.
As she walked further along the winding path, she found herself spun around as something much faster than her ran past. It was the White Supremacist Rabbit. Alice chased after him.
ALICE: Hey rabbit! Wait! You can’t be wearing a confederate flag, that’s a hate symbol!
The rabbit ran into a crowd of peaceful protestors, lighting a police car on fire, then scurrying away. Lost in the sea of black t-shirts and unified chants for police reform.
ALICE: Things are much worse than I thought. Much, much worse.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee pop out from behind a building, blocking Alice’s path.
TWEEDLEDUM: Things aren’t so bad. Trump gave us all $1200.
ALICE: But people are dying! Being killed! Losing their jobs! Their homes! Are human lives worth so little?
TWEEDLEDEE: Well…tax day is postponed at least.
TWEEDLEDUM: And the stock market is booming.
TWEEDLEDEE: See, not bad at all!
Alice struggled to get past them. Once she’d escaped and was far enough away, she stopped to brush herself off.
ALICE: The world really has gone mad.
THE MAD FAUCI: Tell me about it. Come and sit! Have some tea!
The Mad Fauci pulled out a chair for Alice to sit, poured her some tea, then returned to his seat before resuming his exclamation.
THE MAD FAUCI: The Orange Faced Queen called me an idiot! Called me mad! Six feet apart. Masks. No large gatherings. I’m not asking that much. This is a global pandemic, for christ’s sake.
Cards come marching towards them, moving faster and faster as they approach.
CARDS (in unison): It’s not a pandemic! It’s a conspiracy theory! To distract us from the social unrest occurring in our cities!! We won’t wear masks!!!!! You can’t make us!
Behind the parade of cards trailed the Queen, slightly out of breath.
THE ORANGE FACED QUEEN: Proud Boys, you’re doing a great job. Somebody has to do something about Antifa and the left.
Hidden behind the Queen’s wide butt, was Pence, who scurried over to the Queen’s side.
PENCE: Don’t forget about the abortions! No abortions! None!
Out of a nearby teapot popped the Amymouse.
THE AMYMOUSE: I’ll take care of that.
ALICE: But you’re a woman. Why on earth would you want to take away your own rights?
THE ORANGE FACED QUEEN: A woman? With an opinion? Off with her head!!
Blue smoke drifted toward them. The Orange Faced Queen, still recovering from his recent illness, fell into a coughing fit.
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE-PILLAR: Aaaaactuuuuaaaaallyyyyy, the mail-in ballots have finally been counted, and it’s off with yoooooooour head.
The cloud of smoke grew larger and bluer, until suddenly, as if out of thin air, the Old, White Male Queen materialized from within it.
THE OLD, WHITE MALE QUEEN: I’ll take it from here, you clown! As…my father used to say…“Joe…the greatest sin of all is not stepping up to the plate when it’s your turn to swing”.
ALICE (sighing): Well, he’s not great but I suppose he will do.
Alice used the Queen’s unexpected arrival as a chance to escape. She wandered as far from them all as she could, far from the madness she’d been unable to find her way out of.
Eventually she came across cottage and decided it seemed a good a place as any to lay and rest. After a long awaited night of sleep, she awoke feeling only slightly as depressed as she had the day before.
ALICE: Perhaps, if I just keep riding this Peloton, enough time will pass and everything will be okay.
All photos from Alice in Wonderland (Disney — Fair Use), edited by the author.